AMBIVALENCE

I have always defined myself as ambivalent. It typically has a negative connotation at times because of the nature of mixed feelings and how uncomfortable in makes the average person as we typically exist in a binary world where mixed emotions are scary. Why not question “why?” when being presented with the options laid out in front of me at any given time. I feel like I have been told I should feel certain ways about things but having that one eye wide open allows me to see things clearly and remain grounded even in the midst of chaos. I have noticed my sharpness in situations is not what it once was as my brain is functioning on natural vibes now versus being in one clouded dissociated memory. It is not that I don’t want to be optimistic, I tend to gather data and be realistic. I want to have a dedicated blog post for this complex emotion, its root, impact on the individual, and strategies to manage it along with exploring how it develops.

Ambivalence is the coexistence of positive and negative feelings, thus creating internal conflict. The term ambivalent breaks down into “ambi-”, which translates to “both” and “-valent” originates from the Late Latin “valentia”, which means “power”. This name can be interpreted as an individual being pulled by two equally opposing forces but it typically arises from a lack of desire for the outcome to go one way or the other. I say go with the flow to the max mentality. Freud, however, believes this emotion has a deeper connection to this and how it can impact the emoter’s mental health and interpersonal relationships.

Freud was a believer that ambivalence is a normal part of our psyche as humans and viewed is as a relationship with self where love and hate coexist on the same plane. This can even be in the unconscious which leads to inner conflicts and can manifest itself through various psychological symptoms and behaviors. These include defense mechanisms such as repression, projection, and displacement, which help to reduce the anxiety bubbling up within. I can see how this emotion can be negative, but understanding and resolving the ambivalent is essential for progressing in therapy. Self awareness of these emotions can lead to the emotional integration which leads to a healthier functioning mind. So essentially the emotion itself is not the negative part, much like all emotions on the scale of humans, but what you do with it.

Everything just “is” and the only thing we truly have control over is how we choose to react to our emotions. We can repeat the same day and make the same choices or choose to develop our cognitive ability from experience. Getting stuck in that mental loop of coexisting thoughts while sitting it back and being a viewer of your own life in this disassociated state. Ambivalent individuals do not have the capacity to make those thoughts go away completely, trust me, I have tried. It is simply about learning to manage them and learning which of those voices is the one of your higher self. The one that wants to keep you alive and loves you unconditionally. Some call it a Higher Power and others refer to It as God.

During the developmental stage, according to Freud, we view our parents from both an antagonistic and affectionate view and as the child grows, dependence toward the parent for security and the yearning for independence in order to assert autonomy conflict. The parents being a source of love and discipline which creates and internal environment of simultaneously seeking approval and fearful of punishment, which is exasperated in an abusive household. Sibling rivalry aspect of this theory explains that the older sibling experiences ambivalence toward the new child. Feelings of jealousy and competition coexist with love and protectiveness causes complex emotion within that older sibling. This is a contributor to the youngest becoming the scapegoat of the family if conditions allow as the child is the disruptor of an otherwise “balanced” family dynamic through the first sibling being an only child. The inconsistency or presence of an insecure attachment with the caregivers causes the development of conflicting feelings of love along with mistrust/ anxiety. If the situation exists in the extreme, then that anxiety has ability to have a chokehold of the sentient individual and that is where ambivalence can shift to the darkness some describe as Hell as the feeling of loneliness creeps in.

We all experience ambivalence as we are complex creatures but as with everything, it comes in a range. My range of this specific emotion has led me to take a journey to find out what was from the half that wants to protect me and the half that wanted to destroy me. I have learned a significant amount of my emotional range and how my actions affect others and what I can do to be a less destructive force. Using my ambivalent powers for good lol. Something that I had to program into myself because it is much easier to be selfish as it is inherent in our nature. Choosing the “good” voice and developing a desire to live again has been enlightening to my soul. It has allowed me to authentically present myself no matter the situation. Freud likes to say that ambivalence is the precursor to melancholia, which ok, but like it can also the the precipice of growth and change. Questioning myself constantly and uncontrollably at times has forced me to develop a degree of self awareness I wouldn’t have otherwise and has helped me succeed academically in my field and do develop deep passions. Yes, I made mistakes because I was a dumb kid and made dumb choices in my journey towards independence in adolescence during my pre-frontal lobe development phase, but it also catapulted me to an outcome I otherwise wouldn’t have reached now in young adulthood. I am a 2 year old adult with a lot to learn still but I’ll be damned, my ambivalence has assisted in my critical thinking ever since I learned how to manage it in my conscious mind throughout my mental prison that burnout brought me. Like many superpowers, it is a curse until you learn to control it.